“The Avengers” Review
About 150 million people worldwide saw this movie. That leaves about 6.85 billion (over 97%) who managed to avoid it. They will be glad they did because “The Avengers” is just another one in a ridiculously long line of ho-hum superhero movies that Hollywood has churned out over the past decade. Clearly, these things hit home with the fanboys — the most undiscerning mob on the planet. They are the type of people who decide to love a movie before having seen it. If it is a comic-book flick or a fantasy adventure, fanboys start posting how “kick-ass” it’s going to be within hours of a studio announcing the project.
“The Avengers” has all the requisite paint-by-numbers action sequences and witless one-liners. It has more than enough explosions and CGI magic to get the target audience semi-erect. The bulging muscles and prominent cod-pieces also aid in breaking down the closet doors. Most of the 7 to 23 year-old boys watching won’t even notice the token eye-candy provided by Scarlett Johansson and Gwyneth Paltrow.
The plot centers around something called a tesseract. Bad guys want it. The team of superheros need to save the world. Yada, yada, yada. Who cares? It is all just an excuse for one animated set piece after another, with decent actors picking up paychecks and spouting poorly written exposition. Nothing about this movie even remotely approaches wit or intelligence.
Defenders of films like this often throw out lines like, “It’s only light popcorn entertainment” or “You need to turn your brain off and enjoy it”. Well, quite frankly, I like my brain. I hate turning it off. I would rather find a film that can entertain me with my brain fully switched on.
Of the myriad superhero movies made since the 1970′s, only a handful have been any good. None of them have been great. I am not among the fawning legion. There are far too many great films out there to seek out for me to waste my time on trash like this. I can’t even use the “never going to get those two hours of my life back” line, BECAUSE IT IS TWO AND A HALF HOURS LONG!!! Nothing in this slight and insignificant genre should ever break the 90-minute mark. However, Hollywood will keep making them because they have a captive loyal audience who don’t know any better and are incapable of venturing outside of the familiar. “The Avengers” sucks. Fanboys urgently need pussy. And I am proud to stand with the 97% “minority” who couldn’t give a flying fuck if we ever saw another superhero movie again.
Now, if you don’t mind, I am going to wade in my snobbery by watching one of those movies where they speak foreign and you gotta read and stuff.