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"Not all virgins are
angels -- Not all angels are virgins."
Set in 14th century Florence, "Virgin
Territory" is an attempted raucous sex
comedy that features Hayden Christensen
masquerading as a deaf and dumb gardener,
hiding in the horniest convent seen since
the uber-low-budget Italian soft-core-porn
of the 1970's.
His character, Lorenzo, is a notorious
womanizer who has his eyes on Pampinea
(Mischa Barton), the richest woman in the
region. However, he is not alone. Tim Roth's
Gerbino della Ratta (not kidding) is the
conniving bad guy who will stop at nothing
to procure Pampinea's hand in marriage. A
third man, a Count, who had been promised
Pampinea's hand, is also in the picture.
It all feels a little like a high-budget
version of the British "Carry On" series,
littered with heavy doses of sexual
innuendo, massive quantities of resplendent
female nudity, madcap chase scenes,
ludicrous plot devices and corny dialogue.
If that is your thing, you might enjoy this
on some guilt-ridden level.
Consider the erotically charged scene with
two busty farm maidens describing the
cow-milking process, while caressing the
phallic udders until they erupt on their
lovers' faces. Ahhh... the hilarity. Armed
with that knowledge, you are now aware of
the lunacy and should expect nothing more
from the film than some silly chuckles and a
raging-semi.
I'll be honest with you... the only reason I
sought this film out was the presence of
Kate Groombridge. She happens to be one of
the most aesthetically gifted women on the
planet right now, and she is embarking on
the initial journey from bra-modeling to
acting. With only a few films and shorts
under her belt, Kate is clearly talented and
will likely have a strong future in the
"biz". Starring as Elissa, she is easily in
all the best scenes that this utterly
mediocre film has to offer.
The primary flaw in this film is the
completely messy screenplay. None of the
scenes seem to link to one another. The plot
is a haphazard string of zany thoughts and
ideas that do not add up to a satisfactory
whole. It is a poorly directed project that
won't see the light of a theater-projector
for all the pasta in Italy. You can expect
to see this film make its American premiere
at the bottom of the Netflix recommendations
queue.
One thing I have avoided until now is the
monumental mistake of casting Hayden
Christensen in any film. It cannot really be
argued that the guy has a talented bone in
his body -- yet somehow, he keeps getting
work. He makes Ben Affleck and Pauly Shore
look like Pacino and De Niro. He has been
atrocious in virtually every film he has
signed on for -- and this effort ranks as
one of the worst. It almost seems like he is
lampooning himself on Saturday Night Live.
Mischa Barton is almost unbearably cute.
Based on looks alone, she should be the next
coming of Michelle Pfeiffer. Unfortunately,
she hasn't ever commanded the big screen
with any power of note. I sense an
underlying wealth of talent, but if she
keeps choosing roles like this, I will
continue to yearn for what might have been.
"Virgin Territory" promises more laughs than
it delivers. It teases with overt sexual
content without ever "going all the way". It
wants to give us a screwball adventure, but
never manages to make us care one iota about
these vapid characters. The only bargain to
be found here is the wealth of female beauty
and a handful of mild chuckles... hardly
enough to merit a recommendation... barely
enough to merit the time and effort required
to sit though it.
©
Written by TC Candler |
Director
David
Leland
Cast
Hayden
Christensen
Mischa Barton
Kate Groombridge
Rupert Friend
Tim Roth
Running Time
97m
Rated
R
Official
Website
n/a
Kate Groombridge in
"Virgin Territory" |
