There were three reasons for me to watch this preposterous movie… Sienna Miller, Rachel Nichols and Sienna Miller. Yeah, that’s right Sienna counts twice. Other than those two uncontrollably hot women, I had no desire to watch this ten year-old’s wet dream of a video game. After all, it isn’t really a movie at all. The plot is nonsensical. The characters are thinner than an anorexic snake. The special effects have less authenticity than Mrs Pacman. The script has more “oh my god’s” than a night in the Playboy mansion. In fact, almost everything about “GIJ:TROC” is cheap masturbatory material. The chicks can rub one out over Channing Tatum. Confused teens can get partial wood over the techno-gadgets and ludicrous explosions. Me… I will fiddle my diddle over Sienna and Rachel in skin-tight leather catsuits.
Legendary director Jean-Luc Goddard once said, “All you need for a movie is a girl and a gun.” His point is valid, although I think you could simplify it further by saying, “All you need for a movie is a girl.” This silly movie has two girls and lots of guns… so I guess that makes it a masterpiece???
Is this movie dumber than a bag of hammers? Yes. It is clear that no one involved knew what the fuck they were doing? Sure. I think Sienna Miller was asked in an interview, just days after shooting wrapped, what her character’s name was… She didn’t have a clue. I can’t blame her. I just watched the movie 8 minutes ago and I can’t remember anything about it.
Paramount Studios obviously piled together a “name brand”, some eye-candy actors, a $100 million FX budget and a four-year-old screenwriter and hoped that it would all come together somehow. Well, the film grossed $302 million worldwide, so I suppose the joke is on us!
All of that being said, I didn’t hate the film. It is a lightweight piece of disposable entertainment. It doesn’t take itself seriously and keeps the pace at insane levels. Watching “G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra” is like a coming home to a tiny puppy who has just shit all over the carpet and ripped up your favorite pair of shoes. Sure, you are a little pissed off, but you can’t bring yourself to beat the thing up. Now, if you will excuse me, I have to go find some pictures of Sienna Miller on the internet.
Big fan of the GI Joe series, even if the movie wasn’t all that great, it was still worth a watch and hopefully they make more in the future and give it a better storyline and more of the Joe team as live action heroes!