TC Candler

There isn’t a bigger sports fanatic than yours truly.  I am almost as obsessed with sports as I am with movies.  And ranking at or near the top of that obsession is Soccer.  It has to be one of my two favorite sports to watch.  Having been born in England, but grown up in the U.S., I have a massive appreciation for both brands of Football.

However, Soccer is broken.  It is a game that hasn’t evolved into the modern age of world sport.  It is lagging severely behind when it comes to the improvement of the overall product and the health of the game going into the future.  It is beleaguered by ancient rules and bad habits.  Most of the problems are easy fixes, should we be able to get past the stale traditionalists who are desperately clinging on to ideas that only hold the great sport back.

So, without further ado, here are the Top 10 Ways to Improve the Sport of Soccer…

1. A HARD CLOCK:  I cannot believe that this hasn’t happened yet.  Instead of this oddly mysterious referee time-keeping, why can’t we have a clock in the stadium that everyone can see.  There are so many benefits to this.  The referee can still control the clock with a very simple bit of technology.  This way, there is no mystery, no controversy and no possibility of favoritism.  Time wasting would cease to be necessary because players would see a stalled clock during dead ball situations.  It would also create a fantastic bit of drama at the end of each game where everyone watching would be completely aware of how many seconds are left.  In games where the score is already decisive, one way or the other, it could create a goalie-pulling situation as teams throw all eleven of themselves forward in a last ditch attempt to level the score.  What is not to love about this?  MYSTERY CLOCK HAS TO GO!!!

2. A SALARY CAP: In club football all over the world, the richest teams can just buy anything and everything they want.  There is no level playing field.  The rich get richer.  The poor get left behind.  In every major European league, 95% of all teams are ABSOLUTELY GUARANTEED not to have a chance before the season begins.  How ridiculous is that?  In some leagues, the same 2 or 3 teams have won every year for the past half a century.  What is the point of playing if you can’t even compete?  A salary cap is the only way to truly solve this ludicrous problem.

3. A PLAYOFF SYSTEM: The problem with a league championship is the total and utter lack of drama.  Most of the time, the league is over with a month to go in the season.  Very boring indeed.  In top flight English soccer, I think it is come down to the final day less than a handful of times in the past quarter century.  The solution to this slow fizzle problem is the introduction of a playoff system with a championship game.  It has done wonders in secondary leagues as they compete for promotion — making it far more exciting than the top flight itself.  It will also keep other teams involved in the season for far longer.  The Top 8 teams could play three games each against each other… 1 vs 8, 2 vs 7, 3 vs 6, 4 vs 5 etc.  And the higher seeded team could get 2 of the 3 games at home.  Then the final could be played in the national stadium.  Exciting.  Involving.  Awesome.

4. NO TIME WASTING: One of the biggest plagues in soccer is time wasting.  There is nothing as excruciating as having to sit through a team, up by two goals with half an hour to go, as they pass the ball around and kill the game.  The aforementioned hard clock would help a little, but there are a few other ways of eliminating this bullshit.  First of all, there should be a half way line clock.  Let’s say 10 seconds to get it across the half way line.  Then, once across, there should be no back passes to the goalie.  It should adopt the over and back rule from basketball.  Once across, no going back.  Also, it should be a foul to the opposing team if you take the ball into the corner flag and shield it to waste time.

5. INSTANT REPLAY REVIEW:  This is a simple one… Go to instant replay for goal related decisions.  If there is any lack of clarity about a ball crossing the goal line or an offside call, simply have the referee go over to the sideline to review the play.  It would take less than 30 seconds.  It would remove any controversy.  It would get the decision correct.  End of discussion.

6. DRAFTING PROCESS: Here is another adoption from American sports.  Draft youngsters into organizations.  Instead of having all the hot prospects go to all the best clubs in a free agent stampede, why not allow the worst teams to draft those hot prospects first.  This would keep the playing field level and guarantees that smaller clubs have the chance to improve instead of always being passed by.

7. THE EXTRA TIME FORMAT: One of Soccer’s biggest problems is the issue of tied games.  Now, in a league situation, this is not an issue.  However, in a knockout competition, it has always posed a problem.  Replaying the game at a later date is an antiquated solution and should be stopped immediately.  Penalties is exciting, but has always been considered rather unfair.  So why the fuck can’t the players just keep playing???  Who gives a shit if they are tired.  They are world class athletes for fuck’s sake.  After a 30-minute extra period, if they are still level, then they should just play until someone scores.  The more tired they get, the more likely someone will make a mistake.  If you want, add a couple more subs for this scenario.  If you absolutely have to, take a player or two off each side so that there is more space to move.  I don’t give a shit.  Just play until someone wins.  How hard is that?

8. REVENUE SHARING: I have already written about the obscene competitive imbalance in the game.  It hurts the entire sport and makes a mockery out of fans whose teams have less than zero percent chance of winning anything every year.  Why should I pay thousands to support a team who cannot ever pay me back with silverware?  The key to solving this is to look to the NFL.  Revenue sharing is a great way to support the health of the league.  Essentially, it is communism in its purest form.  If Manchester United sell a Wayne Rooney shirt, then every team in the league gets a piece of the pie.  Why would Man Utd want to do this?  Hmm… Why don’t you ask the billionaire owners of NFL teams?  Maybe they can tell you why revenue sharing is actually mutually beneficial to everyone.  Competitive balance would actually bring billions more into the game.  The health of the league is far more important than the health of the individual team.  In sports, communism is far more profitable than capitalism.

9. CLEAN UP THE OFFSIDE RULE:  Either abandon the whole first phase, second phase lunacy or get rid of the offside rule altogether.  There should be a clean solid rule that everyone understands without any hesitation or room for interpretation.  Instant replay could be used in disputed goal situations.  This is an easy problem to fix.

10. BROADEN THE CHAMPIONS LEAGUE: To be honest, the highest quality teams in the world are not National Teams, but the ones in the Champions League.  They are not restricted by any national ties.  So, instead of eliminating the rest of the world, why not make it a true league of champions from around the globe.  The South American giants could play.  The USA could get involved.  Asian teams would send a couple of representatives.  Etc.  Let’s globalize the game even more.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Harsh punishment for divers and fakers of injury.

No more pointless international friendlies.

No fans can sing “We’re by far the greatest team the world has ever seen”.

English national fans have to stop believing the lie that they are a world soccer power.

Ticket prices need to come down… and consequently player salaries.

Top level management has to become more racially integrated.

Moronic announcers should drop the rampant sexism.

Sky sports needs to stop with the musical montages.  Ugh.

When trying to win back the ball from corner flag time-wasters, why do players insist on staying in bounds… Just go around the fucking guy and come at him from the corner flag!!!  I have never understood why this is complicated???

ENGLISH SOCCER NEEDS TO GET RID OF THE ABSURD 3PM TELEVISION BLACKOUT!!!  Is it 1953???

THE END… for now.